The Dark & Twisty

I've been learning to live with an anxiety disorder for the past few months. At times, I felt as if my life would never improve and that I was completely lost. I've learned a lot of things, including how to listen to my body, how to prioritize my mental health and well-being, and how to not be afraid to live my life.

I was terrified of living life a few months ago. It was difficult to eat, sleep, and get out of bed every morning to take a shower or walk downstairs to go outside. I look at myself now and see how much I've improved. Such as being able to drive, knowing that my throat will not close, that I will not die, and not constantly feeling on edge. I can finally admit these terrifying feelings out loud because I used to believe that if I said it loudly enough, it would happen right then and there. I just wished I could hug past Lisa because she was in so much pain and darkness.

You know how Meredith and Cristina used to talk about giving up because it was too exhausting?

There comes a point where it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That's when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely non at all. - Cristina Yang

That was my mindset for months, even when people told me it would get better; I was such a pessimist. I believe that was the moment it dawned on me that I did not want to live my life in this negative light. I wanted to be the upbeat person I used to be, but it was difficult at times because the pain was unbearable, and talking about my mental health with others made me feel like that was all I talked about. I didn't want to bother my friends or family with my darkness, but I realized that in order to accept what had happened in my life, I needed to accept my diagnosis, my body pains, and my thoughts.

After speaking with a close friend, she reminded me that one day I will be free of pain and find peace.

That's when I realized, "Wow, she gets it." She validated my entire experience without telling me what everyone else was saying. "Oh, it will get better," someone finally said something different and did not make me feel as if they didn't care. She genuinely cares! That's when it hit me: I'm going to make it through this.

I'm not saying that everyone who has told me "it will get better" doesn't care, but it was becoming tedious for me. I tried so hard to believe their words, but it wasn't the case. I believe that because my friend was able to connect with me in a way that no one else could, and that is what made the difference.

My dark experience is the only thing I will not apologize for.

I know it was frightening for me and others to see me in that position at times, but I refuse to apologize for something that was so real and frightening for me. People would dismiss my entire experience at times, but I learned that it is difficult to support someone with a mental illness, but there are people who will stick by you no matter what. Despite my entire experience, I remind myself that I am allowed to have these feelings and to love myself even on my darkest days. I see the light and refuse to give up!